All is not lost

I finally got my race stats from Saturday's less-than-spectacular run to sync with Nike+. (I had been experiencing technical difficulties.) I am pleasantly surprised to learn that Saturday's race DID set a few personal records for me. They weren't the ones I was expecting, but they are PRs nonetheless.

Get VIOLET

You might have noticed that my blog is now PURPLE. Yes, I shed the green skin this month because November is Epilepsy Awareness Month. The official color is purple, so my blog and Twitter feeds will don the shades of lavender for all 30 days.

Can I have your attention? Please read these few short paragraphs and you will make me so happy...

Here's the deal: you have a brain. Forget the funny little things you might say about people being brainless or peabrained or whatever. If you're a human being living on this planet, you have a brain. And if you have a brain, you can have a seizure.Seems scary, doesn't it? It doesn't have to be. Learning more about epilepsy and educating others is the way to get rid of the terror and mystique surrounding this disease.

People have been afraid of epilepsy and seizures in general for what seems like as long as humanity has existed. In the middle ages, people conducted exorcisms on epileptics because they thought they were possessed by the devil. In World War II, Hitler's corralling of the "unfit" to sterilize or execute included epileptics. In the 21st century, there are many treatment options for epileptics including medication and surgery.

This is personal to me because my older sister has had epilepsy since I was an infant. She had her first seizure when she was two years old and since then she has had good periods and bad periods, but ultimately it's the epilepsy that runs her life... Right now she's exploring surgical options and, while that's scary in itself, it's scary that any seizure in the wrong place at the wrong time could seriously injure her or worse.

In October, everyone is talking about breast cancer. People have become pretty comfortable talking about breasts, and in "Movember" men have taken to discussing prostate cancer. These are both wonderful things. I'm glad that people are taking action to discuss, educate, and promote prevention, detection, and awareness of these diseases. HOWEVER, November is also Epilepsy Awareness Month and, quite honestly, it ought to be a bigger deal than it has been because while only men have prostates and women are most commonly affected by breast cancer (at least people are more likely to picture a woman when they think of it), EVERYONE HAS A BRAIN. Holy cow, can we please talk about epilepsy some more?

I have a few simple requests. I would love it so much if you could do any or all of them:

1. Get purple - Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, your blog... Get some purple out there and tell everyone why you're getting violet.
2. Talk about it - You probably either know someone with epilepsy or know someone who has had a seizure. (Think about the six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon type of thing--you're never that far from someone...) Open the discussion and talk.
3. Get informed - Read a little bit about epilepsy, how it affects people's lives, how people cope with it, and what to do if someone has a seizure. 
4. Visit my sister's new blog - she just started it, but she will be sharing her stories and I know she would love readers to cheer her on. 
5. At the very least... have a look at this brief list of facts.

The challenge of perceived failure

I've been lucky with running so far. I've had good races, finishing in the middle of my age group, the middle of my gender, the middle of the pack of runners. It was nice to feel average especially since I only started running a year ago. Average felt like a real accomplishment. I've never kidded myself into thinking that I could win any of these races--I'm not an elite runner, like these awesome people who have wheels for legs and have been running since they were potty trained. My goal with every race is, as I've said before, to finish.

Well, it seems that just finishing races was enough for me until I started falling towards the back of the pack. Last Saturday's trail race put me in the last 5% of runners. I was happy to finish, but I was feeling bad about my performance. I bucked up and told myself that I was going to run that course two more times and that now I had a time to beat. Yeah. And I am going to beat it... But this Saturday I think I mentally put myself behind the eight ball before I got to the start line and I held myself there throughout the race.

I felt like the race could've been better organized. I'm not usually one to complain about venues or parking for races, but this was a little inconvenient. My boyfriend and I arrived at the park, parked the car where we were told to, and started walking towards the ice rink. When I realized it was about 15 minutes until the race started, I started jogging. I caught up with a few other runners who were having the same problem. We realized as we got closer to the ice rink that we had just jogged about two miles from where we parked.

Here I am as Fitness Barbie.

I got inside, picked up my bib and packet, and hurriedly prepped for the race--pin the bib, tie on the chip, secure the iPod, tie the shoes comfortably. My boyfriend handed me my water bottle, snapped a picture of me in my costume, and I rushed to the start line. I was already tired and feeling a little defeated. I kept wondering what I had missed in the race information about parking and the race start. I felt like it was my fault, even though there were others with the same problem.

The gun went off and we began to climb the first hill. The tagline for this race is "The first hill's a killer." They aren't kidding. I've never run up such a steep incline. Chalk it up to inexperience. I trotted up as long as I could handle and then walked. And walked. The hill just kept going. It felt like it should've been half of the race, for as much effort as it took to scale. I joked with one of the other runners that I had forgotten my rappelling gear.

After that hill, a brief reprieve, then another. And another. Even though these subsequent hills were smaller, they felt gratuitous and cruel. By this point, the pack had thinned out quite a bit and I knew I was in the back 10% without a question. I felt even more defeated.

I trudged along. When I saw the mile markers, they felt like lies. Surely I had run farther than that. I thought about quitting. I was having trouble breathing, my asthma inhaler felt completely useless, and it seemed like my chest couldn't expand enough to take in the air that I craved.

I'm pretty easy to spot in all that pink... I also appear to
dwarf everyone else in the photo.

I wasn't having fun anymore. I was plodding along for the sake of keeping up with other people, trying not to be last, feeling bad for myself because I felt so unqualified to run this race. I was embarrassed when, in the last mile and a half, the police officer at the barricade told me I could to it and I asked where the finish line was. He pointed and I swore aloud. I stopped running and walked till the finish line was a straight shot and pushed myself to jog across the finish line. My boyfriend was there and took a few pictures. I look angry.

Now that it's been a few days since that race, I've had some time to reflect. I'm not going to get all Pollyanna and say that I've learned so much from this experience, blah, blah, blah, but I have learned a few things.

1. Plan the pre-race stuff better. Parking, bib pickup, and start line location should not be something I'm figuring out on race day. I *thought* I had this figured out for this race, but I should've confirmed this with a map or a phone call to the race organizers. Getting to the start line should not be a gauntlet in itself.
2. If possible, run the course before the race. This probably wouldn't have been possible for this race, but the second best option would've been to talk to others who have run it and find out what it's like from them so I am a little better prepared for its challenges.
3. Get out of my head. This is something I'm getting better at elsewhere in my life, but until this point I had felt like coaching myself through a run was helpful... not this time. My inner coach took on a menacing tone and basically berated me for most of the race. That is not helpful. Instead, I need to be mindful of my surroundings, my body, and my goal.
4. Finish. Just finish. I keep telling myself that my goal is always to just finish, but that wasn't true on Saturday. I did finish, but that wasn't enough. IT IS enough. I did it. I am becoming okay with that. It wasn't my best race (in fact, it was my worst to date), but I still finished. I did NOT give up and quit, even though I felt like quitting several times throughout the race.

That is one ticked off Barbie. 1:15 was only 7 minutes on to
my first 10K time (1:08), but I was really upset.

I also need to work on my asthma maintenance, nutrition, performance apparel selection, and hydration (since I was praying for water stops that simply weren't there). But those will take more time and research. The list above is stuff I can and should do immediately.

The mental run is just as challenging, if not more so, than the physical run. To this point, I have been training my body. Now, I've found, it's time to begin training my mind to match.

Any suggestions? How do you stay focused or positive during a race? How do you avoid feeling defeated?

My dream race, and other potential future races

It's never too soon to think about my next race. I've realized that if I want to run a race every month that I need to plan wisely. Many of my races will need to be local (within 50-100 miles; daytripping!), but I'm okay with planning a few excursions to selected locations. If I have friends to visit nearby who can also house me, so much the better.

I'm also thinking that planning ahead more will help me keep the financial factor under control. Earlier this year when I just started signing up for races, I did so without thinking much about the costs. I'm tallying what I've spent on registration fees (not including fuel/tolls/other transportation costs), and I'm convinced I can budget better than this!

I've decided to set my sights on a dream race. With all the news about the Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco, I got interested in the half to be held in DC this spring. It's the weekend before the Pittsburgh Half... so I don't think I'll get to do it this year. But I went to San Francisco last summer with my very best friend and loved it. I would LOVE to work hard, train hard, and run hard to get to the Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco. It looks like an amazing event.  

• Pittsburgh Rock 'n Roll Half Marathon, August 4, 2013
• Hot Chocolate 15K, Albuquerque, NM; TBD (September?)
• Nike Women's Half Marathon, San Francisco, CA; TBD (October?)

I know that realistically I won't be able to make both races that involve travel... My dream race may have to wait until 2014.

Do you have a dream race? Do you have any other suggestions for awesome races that I should check out? Do tell!!

Health Holidays Challenge

Looking for someone to hold you accountable for your holiday eats?

Becki over at Fight4Wellness.com is hosting a Healthy Holidays Challenge. It's happening October 31 - December 31. If you want to lose weight or inches, or if you just want to maintain (like me), this might be the thing for you! Plus, Becki has some prizes lined up. (Who doesn't like prizes?) To win all you have to do is take a picture of certain things you're doing for healthy holidays and use these tags: #healthyholidays #proof @Fight4Wellness

I'm signed up and I'm excited to start. Thanks to Becki for holding this awesome event!