Where I've been, what I'm doing

Oh my goodness, dear readers, I have not forsaken thee. I apologize, blog, that you have gone a full week without an update. For shame!

Working several part-time and freelance gigs is exhausting. Ensuring I have some income, the bills are paid, the dog is cared for, and all the other nuances of life seem more complicated when I'm not going to ONE workplace for a set period of time... and getting a paycheck directly deposited into my account. Invoicing is another element that freelancers don't get paid for that, alas, must be done!

What has happened in the meantime?

I'm excited about the possibilities in store, even if none of them include a full-time job... yet. I'm working hard at accepting what I have, enjoying each day, figuring out what I really want, and pursuing only what I truly desire. That in itself takes more energy than I have on most days, but the allocation of my talent is my own responsibility and if I waste my time and energy doing things I don't like or wishing for things I don't work for, then I deserve what I get. I want to deserve what I get and earn it in the sense that I brush hands with others trying to earn it.

So here's the past week...

I've started kicking my own butt to get to my running group. Tuesday evenings at the track or designated hill (for the beloved hill repeats) are now a must. I have directed my boyfriend to demand that I go when I waver (because goodness knows that I always feel better after I go).

My eyes are closed, but I think I look pretty darn good for
having run seven miles then climbed 45 floors!

Last Saturday I also made it to the group run downtown. It's kind of an expensive long run for me if I don't have other plans in the city before/after it (it's 20 miles there, 20 back), but I went. I ran about seven miles.

After the run, I did the Fight for Air stair climb downtown. Holy moly, stair climbing is a horse of a different color when it comes to exercise... I definitely don't consider myself a stair athlete!

Last week I completed my first set of fifteen freelance articles for a new client. It was a little tough to complete them so quickly without being repetitive, but I did my very best and they were pleased. :)

In the past few days, I've made a few strategic purchases, both of which I will be reviewing in the next few months. Because I have been tutoring a Korean woman for almost a year now and she recently asked me to begin working with her very young daughter, I decided to get Rosetta Stone in Korean. I have some reservations about the program, considering that my background is in language teaching and I have some strong opinions on how people learn language (otherwise how could I teach?!); however, I decided that with the program's guarantee and my current available time that I had nothing to lose.

I also purchased a full month of the Arbonne Fit Kit detox from Becki at Fighting for Wellness. The kit includes protein shake mixes, chews, drink mixes, and a few other items, which accompany an altered diet in order to help the user determine what foods or food entities might be causing distress. I've had issues with food for quite a while now and I'm at a loss for what else to try. I feel uncomfortable no matter what I eat and I don't seem to have enough energy. I decided that I would try the Arbonne detox to try to narrow down some of my issues. Nonetheless, since my half marathon is coming up in just five weeks, I will wait until after the race to begin the detox. I don't want to change anything right now; it's too close to the race. Even if it's for the better, it could affect my running and I might not recuperate properly.

Finally, I started some seeds for my garden! I don't have all the seeds I want yet, so I don't have a full set. I do, however, have lettuce, lavender, lemon balm, shasta daisies, and broccoli planted in my spare room under a grow lamp. Hooray!

The "Keeping On"

Feeling things fall apart--the literal crumble in your hands as you try to hold together the thing you've worked so hard to create or sustain--pushes aside all other physical sensations, leaving only the effects of gravity to deal with as the bits of your prized work fall, settle...

And what to do then? Pick up the pieces? Some are too small to be seen. It's impossible to recreate what was.

But I'm not sure I want to recreate that anymore.

It's been tough going since first losing my job almost three weeks ago. Lots of job searching, crying, anxiety, budgeting... fear. Fear of The Unknown.

Now what's interesting is that all of us face The Unknown in measured amounts each day, like it or not. We can only plan so much of our days. The Unknown is always there, despite our best intentions and sometimes *in spite* of our best intentions.

So The Unknown has slammed into my semi-planned life like a steel wrecking ball and I'm dealing with the aftermath of this unplanned demolition. Initially it's very easy for people on the outside looking in to say "everything happens for a reason," "keep on keeping on," and "the only way to go now is up," and other tropes bearing similar messages of silver linings that are just beyond the vista of a person who has just been shaken at her core.

Silver linings aren't easily accessible when The Unknown is still a tempest brewing overhead.

Taking the time in these past few weeks to assess the damage, take action on what I can, and consider my next steps has forced me to reexamine my wants and needs.

I'm not trying to pick up the pieces. I don't need to. I'm taking an anthropological look at my own history to learn about myself and the way I was living my life. I'm looking at the pieces of my former life--my work, what I did, how I felt about it, and if there's something I could do better. This isn't the solution to my joblessness or whatever, but it's a method to (hopefully) help myself come out on the other side of this with a healthier and happier life... I'm seeing things about my pace, my schedule, my commute, my sleep, my eating, my exercising, and my personal time that could change for the better. And now is the opportunity to make those kinds of changes. I may not be able--and it may not be necessary--to make changes to every element I've identified as a candidate for change.

But this is the keeping on.

A really, really good run

Oh how I needed a good run. After a few weeks off from those dratted stitches then a few bad runs full of huffing and puffing and walking and worrying, I truly needed a run to remind me why I do this.

It came to me last night.

I came home from work and had almost gotten to that point of settling in and not wanting to go to the gym... It's cold outside. I need to buy gas. I don't want to leave the dog again. I'm tired. I haven't had a good run in weeks. Why am I bothering with this when I can't hit my miles and I can't make it to my training group?

Then I remembered that I had a few things in my RunnerBox that I had been meaning to try. I got myself a packet of a drink mix (which I will later review!). I made the shake and drank it mindfully. Then I got my butt in gear. I changed into gym clothes, took out the dog, and I was off.

I'm a treadmiller. It's how I cut my teeth in running. I have the uncanny ability to stare at the awning of the grocery store across the street and listen to my music and get into a zone where I don't even recognize my own name... (It's happened. My boyfriend has come to ask me something and I'm just completely zoned out.)

It wasn't easy--no, don't mistake this as a simple feat. This GOOD RUN was hard earned. I had to continually fend off anxious thoughts about my asthma, my slower-than-snails pace, my heart rate, my feelings about my out-of-shapeness (in comparison to others), and my lack of enthusiasm thanks to all of the above.

I let the thought enter my mind, acknowledged it, and then let it go.

That is SO effing hard. Especially if, like me, you're used to dwelling on things like those I listed above and letting them drive you into WorryWorld, population: 1; being your own worst enemy is awful. KNOWING that you're your own worst enemy is worse. Knowing that you're your own worst enemy and letting yourself continue to beat the pulp out of yourself--that is the worst. That. Is. The. Worst.

So I started running. I had to keep dropping those worry thoughts like they were razor-sharp, lava covered, disease ridden hot potatoes. (Trust me, you wanna drop those.)

I fell into my playlist and forgot about my pace (which I've been fretting). I got the three miles I was after and felt great when I was done.

Sense of accomplishment? You bet. And thank God, because I remembered that I started running because I was a worrier... and worrying about running? Yeah, that needs to stop.