A different kind of thankfulness

I know I'm not the only one who is finding it difficult to feel thankful this year. I know. But I feel like getting this out in the open might help me to find my own grit to be thankful.

I've been unemployed/underemployed for nine months now. February seems like a long time ago because 2014 is just around the bend. Fighting to get a job is feeling more hopeless all the time and the four part-time jobs I have aren't enough to pay my bills... I'm broke.

But I'm not broken.

I may not have money for all my bills, but I have enough for some of them. So I pay them.

I may not have money for Christmas gifts, but I can still pay my internet bill and phone bill so I can email and call my friends and family to let them know I'm missing them or sending them holiday joy.

I may not have the kinds of food I'd like to have around this time of year, but I do have some food. (I never thought I'd revert to bagged salad and ramen noodles like college, but I also never knew I would be this hard up for money.)

I may be struggling to believe in myself because I can't find a professional job to pay me a salary I can actually live on, but I still have the most marvelous man as my boyfriend who tells me that I'm worth it, helps me find hope, and lets me cry to him when I'm hurting.

I may not be able to make any future plans, based on time or money, but I know that I am fortunate each morning when I put both feet on the floor and take a big breath to lift myself from bed. I have learned to plan on just waking up and being alive.

I may feel hopeless (nearly all the time, these days), but I have a few really good friends who, despite whatever distance between us, have the power to lift me up.

I may not have health insurance, but I have found a way to get my prescriptions at a reasonable cost so I may remain well and, especially important, free of asthma attacks and healthy enough to run and keep running.

I may cry too easily right now. I do. But I have the cutest, sweetest dog who has a truly intelligent sense of empathy who has finally learned to cuddle to make mommy feel better.

I may not have friends close by all the time, but I work hard to be able to afford the luxury of keeping my dog, who is there for me day and night.

I may not see what is in front of me in my path for life, but I am working hard to trust in God and to remember that I can't always see his plan but that there is a plan... and I try to remember that I am an instrument of God when I can help other people.

I'm thankful that I am not broken. I'm not sure how much longer I can sustain myself in this state (this sad, sad state), but I am thankful that I find strength in everything I listed here. I find strength to push on and do what I can, whatever it is, to keep going minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving, dear readers.

No Race

It's difficult when circumstances conspire against you in so many ways that you cannot do even one little joyful thing that you want to do.

For me, that was running my race today. I didn't get to do it.

I'll spare you the details, but the heart of the matter is that stress is wearing me down. I've been really sick and not sleeping because of the stress in my life lately and that's just not okay.

So I'm resting today. 100%. It's a completely unplanned, nowhere to go, no obligations, nap if I want to, go for a walk, garden for hours, lay in the yard with my dog kind of day.

The hardest part is to not label this as a failure... because that's what it feels like to my type A, overachiever, go big or go home mind. I'm trying to reframe it as doing what I need to do to prevent an even bigger failure later in life. A give some to get more kind of trade... paying it forward.

This is not to say that I wasn't totally pissed when I woke up and it was an non-humid, sunny 63º day (perfect racing weather, a rarity here in western PA). I was. But I'm trying to enjoy that in other ways now. Trying...

Out With the Old and... In With a Newer Version of the Old

I got new running shoes about a month ago and, after the hassle of getting them ordered, I was thrilled to have them and wear them. It was good to feel a fresh new cushion of a new pair of kicks. They were pretty and with my SuperFeet inserts they felt great.

Me in my Brooks after fording the muddy
stream to reach Penasco Blanco at Chaco
Canyon, New Mexico. No one died of
dysentery or lost any shoes. 

I switched back and forth with my old and new shoes while I wore the new ones in, mostly because the new ones were ever so slightly more neutral than my old ones. The people at my gym were probably pretty happy when I stopped wearing my old ones since I had worn them in New Mexico tromping around in the mud at Chaco Canyon with my bff in early February. I was still spreading bits of ancient desert with every step.

Once I was running every run in my new shoes, though, I started having pain. Every run brought pain. At first I chalked it up to not being diligent enough with my training. Then once I was back on track with training (after losing my job), that excuse didn't make sense. I ran races in pain. I ran training miles in pain. 

Until this point, my running life had been minimally painful (thank all things good!). I had a (fortunately) short-lived case of runner's knee in November and got stronger thanks to the physical therapy exercises my doctor told me to do. My original shoes saw me through every run of my newbieness until I started getting shin splints consistently around 350 miles. Even the fact that I broke my left foot twice in college hadn't stopped me. (The second time I broke it I got fired for it!) Sure, it hurts when the seasons change, but as long as it's not black and blue and as long as I don't feel "that" pain, I'm okay. (I know what it feels like all too well, sadly.)

Finally this week I was forced to do something about my pain. Track Tuesday with my running group went well. I felt great and did my speed pyramid without much trouble. That night my shins hurt and the fleshy part of my foot that should be an arch, but isn't, hurt. Both feet were mirrored images of pain. I iced my feet and went to bed. 

The next day I felt okay... sort of. I ran on the treadmill because we had some stellar thunderstorms brewing. I got to a mile and felt okay, but after that my legs hurt so badly that I had to stop. I got off and stretched and nothing felt better. I tried to walk on the treadmill and even that hurt. A lot. So I went home and hobbled around to make dinner, all the while wondering what the heck I'd done to myself. 

My concern grew because I now have about three weeks until my first half marathon (May 5th!). I also knew that being sidelined after just 1.5 miles is NOT okay. Something was really wrong.

I did a little investigation online about overpronation, the shin pain I was feeling, and causes. I emailed the coaches for my running group with my hypothesis. They confirmed it. "Go back to your original brand and style," they said. 

I took my new shoes back to the store and, thankfully, they were willing to exchange them. I'm very pleased that they were so kind about it (even though I felt like I was being a total pain). I'm confident that the new shoes--a newer version of my old ones--should help me feel normal again. 

I'm ready to get back to running without pain. I mean, I've worked SO hard to get to the point that I can run and breathe well... it's time to be able to enjoy that! :)

Spring Thaw Ten Miler--my longest race to date!

February in Pittsburgh is, well, either snowy and cold or gray and cold. There isn't much variation. An occasional blue sky breaks through and delights us, but that's pretty unusual.

Saturday the 23rd was 36º and gray as gray can be. It was even threatening to rain. (Yuck. I think cold rain is just about the worst weather in the world.) But we gathered for the Spring Thaw Ten, Fifteen, or Twenty Miler. Runners got to choose what distance they were up for; you didn't have to decide before the race started.

However, I knew that I would be running ten miles. It was on my half marathon training program. I also had never run ten miles before... Only seven to that point. So this would be a challenge. Was I up for it?

Earlier in the week I had a little issue with my shoes. My Brooks Adrenalines have about 400 miles on them and have only recently started giving me little shin splints. I ordered a pair of Saucony Guides over a month ago, but the store hadn't called me, so I went to the store to find out what the problem was. Turns out no one ordered them. The store owner felt so bad that she let me buy a pair of last year's model, the 5, so that when my 6s come in I can just swap them out. I was glad to have another pair of shoes, but I was also nervous to try them for such a long run... especially since I hadn't ever run that long before.

Thursday I ran five miles on the treadmill in these shoes. Not bad. I didn't hurt from them, so that's nice. I was still nervous about the race, so I put my SuperFeet insoles into the Guide 5s to help them have a more "worn in" feeling. That did the trick.

My first five miles in the race I ran without stopping. I slowed down for hills a little, but that's not unusual. I crossed the five mile line at exactly 1:00! Five miles an hour! I felt wonderful and was excited that I felt good enough to keep going.

I made it to seven and a half miles and I started feeling a little weird (dizzy/nauseous), so I slowed down and actually came to a complete stop at one of the aid stations. I joked with the ladies there that I felt it was very considerate of me to *not* pass out. They laughed in agreement. I had been taking the sports drink at every station and took gels when they were offered, so I'm not sure why I felt like that, but I'm glad I rested to get my wits about me.

Once I felt more like myself, I continued running. The ninth mile I mostly walked because I had a cramp in my left calf that wouldn't go away. It felt like someone stabbing me. I met another gal and started talking with her. She jogged with me to the finish line--how nice was that?! :)

I crossed the finish line at 2:08:29. I felt like my legs were gelatinous, and I definitely needed to eat something, but I was thrilled with my finish. I was so happy! I did it!

I went home and rested completely on the sofa for the rest of the afternoon. I started feeling stiff so I iced my legs. I got a little worried that I was hurt, but I decided that I would wait and see before I got worried. It's now three days later and I feel fine, so I'm delighted that I'm not hurt. I still have some minor soreness and aches, but it's nothing I haven't felt before.

I've got a PR to beat now! I also know that adding another three miles means I can meet my goal of a half marathon! It's in May, so I have more time to train and get stronger, but I'm really thrilled with how this race went since it felt like a real test of my strength and ability.

In Stitches: Time Off

Back in October, I wrote about a dermatological hiatus... And now the time has come. Today I went to the dermatologist to have two skin "items" removed. One on my back and one on my shin.
 
At 5 mm each, the cuts required the doctor to close them with one stitch each. When you have stitches, it's a bad idea to exercise because if you bleed, you interfere with healing. (And, seriously, who wants to interfere with healing?) The appointment itself went okay, but the local anesthetic is wearing off now and I'm feeling the soreness in my back. Oww...

My follow-up appointment is later this month. By then, they'll have the results of the biopsies and the stitches will be ready to come out. Until then, though, no exercise.

I raced on January 1st and my next race isn't until late February, so I'll be healed and back to training before then. Once I have the stitches removed, I know I'll still have to take it easy, so I plan to use a GroupOn I bought for a local yoga studio and stay limber.